


lying is only fun when it isn't to yourself

by hopeomelette



Series: Fanganronpa Fics [6]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Original Work
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Lots Of Sad, Lots of Angst, Ryuuichi Hanabi's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day, Sad, oh and uhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25228930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopeomelette/pseuds/hopeomelette
Summary: A slightly younger Ryuuichi Hanabi has a perfectly normal bad day. Set before the events of DR: Deep Despair, of course.
Series: Fanganronpa Fics [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1582846
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	lying is only fun when it isn't to yourself

The sound of yelling in the morning. 

Not an unfamiliar waking to Ryuuichi by now. He was usually a light sleeper, with some exceptions as of late… he could trace back why he would sleep more deeply during those nights, but he doesn’t want to think about it, so he doesn’t. Waking up early, to the sound of an angry yell. Almost like an alarm clock, except three times more unpleasant.

The teenage boy, having only turned 15 a couple months ago, dragged himself out of bed groggily. His bed was too small. His mom promised him a new one, his dad refused to let him get it. He cost them too much money already, he said. Never mind that his acting abilities brought in more cash than he knew what to do with, except for hang out with his “friends” and expand his wardrobe. That’s all he bothered to do nowadays, anyway. Schoolwork was mindless, he had bigger and better things to do than schoolwork.

With the exception of right now, because he couldn’t help but feel like his parents were about to scold him for his lowering grades.

He started rehearsing his lines in his head as he pulled on the usual outfit that he had nowadays, the black shirt, black hoodie, black jeans, and purple converse.  _ Yes, sir, I know my grades are not the best. No, sir, I am trying my best. Yes, sir, I turned everything in. No, sir, my grades in English and History are both A+. _ Convincing enough, he hoped. No, he didn’t hope - he knows by now that his acting can fool both of his parents. 

“Ryuuichi!!”

Ah, hell. Time’s up. He doesn’t need to put on his makeup yet, he guesses, given that he’s still just going to be around the house. He takes a deep breath, and puts on his best innocently curious good mood look. A glance in the mirror shows a face, one he recognizes as not his own. So, perfect. He pokes his head out of his room, tilting it slightly. “Yes?”

He’s met with his father’s stern face peering around the corner from the living room, looking mad. To be expected, really. His black hair is even more of a mess than usual, which Ryuuichi immediately recognizes as a sign that he’s been running his hands through his hair. Wonder if his dad ever notices that he does that. Ryuuichi noticed, just so that he would never do it himself. 

But, surprisingly, his dad doesn’t really look that mad. Not at him, anyway. He covers up his confusion easily, though.

“Come here a minute. I want to talk to you with your mother.”

Ah, his mom will be there. So it can’t be all bad. He nods, and slides out of his room all the way, carefully closing the door behind him as he walks to the living room. He has to duck under the doorway into the living room, but to be fair, so does his father.

There’s his mom, sitting comfortably on the couch but adjusting her glasses already. A nervous tic that Ryuuichi picked up on forever ago. She smiles reassuringly at him. It does nothing to help how he actually feels, with a growing sense of dread that he can’t place that makes for a heavy feeling in his heart. It could just be a random anxiety spike, or maybe just a result of those random mood swings towards the negative end of the feelings spectrum that he keeps getting as of late, but at least it doesn’t break through that wonderfully perfect plastic smile that he gives his mother in return.

His father has flopped onto the couch next to his mother, comfortably draping his arms across the back of the couch with a grunt. Ryuuichi goes to sit in the chair next to the couch… mentally taking note of how he’s sitting. Back straight, against the back of the chair. Legs down properly, knees and ankles together. Hands resting comfortably on his lap. Not comfortable at all. “So, what did you need?” He keeps his head tilted slightly, cheerfully speaking with a bit of clear curiosity. Ever so conscious of every fluctuation of his tone, the way his lips move, everything. He’s almost proud of how good he is at lying. 

“Well, you know that girl that you hang around with in theater class, uh… Umi?” his father starts.

“Yumi,” his mother interjects, correcting him.

What… what about Yumi? Did something happen to her? He can’t help but immediately assume the worst, so a bit of concern enters his tone - he lets it - as he responds. “Yeah. Did something happen?”

His father raises an eyebrow at him for a moment. Wonder what that means. “Nothing really happened to her, no. We just found something out, and wanted to see if you knew.”

His mom nods, and he blinks in confusion for a moment, before nodding too. “Alright?”

His dad sighs a little, his brows furrowing - not anger, Ryuuichi notes, but concentration, or stress. “We heard from her parents that she was hanging around with another girl recently, a lot.”

...Akane, Yumi’s girlfriend, Ryuuichi surmises immediately. That’s the only girl that Yumi has been seen hanging out with recently, since otherwise they’ve all been busy with their own schoolwork and theater season is out. No outward reaction, though. He’d secretly been a little jealous that they could be open about their relationship with their friends, since he’d known for a bit now that he’s the farthest from being straight that he could be, but he isn’t sure if he could ever say as much. ...Maybe now would be a good time to bring it up to his parents, since the subject matter is the same…?

“Whenever their parents asked her about it, she said that she was her girlfriend. Like… two girls dating.” His dad frowns a bit more. “Did you know about that?”

Surprise overcomes Ryuuichi’s expression, and a smidge of confusion, too. “No, I didn’t know that… huh…” 

His father nods, approvingly, as his mom’s shoulders lower a little bit. They bought it right away, he notes with a bit of pride in his chest. “Well, they ended up sticking together after that… their parents are still letting them date.”

_ That’s great! _ Ryuuichi’s voice in his head immediately jumps for joy for the two of them. He knew they were anxious about coming out to their parents, hence why they only ever hung out at school. Now, if this keeps going well, he could tell his own parents now and-

...

“That’s… concerning, to say the least,” his mother says softly.

What?

“A bad influence, is what it is,” his father chimes in bitterly.

What…?

Ryuuichi can’t keep up too much of a facade, so he does allow a bit of confusion to enter his gaze again. Innocent confusion. “What do you mean? That’s bad?”

His parents both nod, and with that, it feels like he just got stabbed through the heart.

“It’s not right, really. Obviously it’s not right, we have men and women for a reason. That sort of thing isn’t really okay,” his father explains, still sounding a bit bitter but calmly speaking to Ryuuichi as if he’s actually teaching him something for once. His father continues speaking, explaining why that is “wrong”, but Ryuuichi doesn’t listen.

He can actually feel the dread, sadness, fear, anger, all seeping down through his whole body from the one wound right where his heart is. It hurts. He wants to curl up in a ball, he wants to burst into tears. Is he overreacting? Maybe. But it feels like his world is ending, crumbling around him. So much for telling his parents about himself… not that that’s anything new. Just another thing to add to the pile, the weight on his shoulders. And so, while he feels like he’s slowly dying on the inside, the shell on the outside nods along, curiosity overcoming the confusion. When his father’s lips stop moving, he gives a vague yet satisfying response. “I um, didn’t know that.”

“It’s just biology,” his mother adds. She adjusts her glasses again - huh, odd - as she speaks. 

“Which you nearly failed out of-”

“But,” his mother interrupts his father. “That’s not important right now. Just, we wanted to make sure you were aware of that, honey.”

“Just… aware that they’re like that?” Ryuuichi asks.

His father huffs a little, but nods. “Yeah, so you can stay away from that. It’s gross. I don’t want you talking to those girls or their parents anymore, I’m not gonna have them try and fill your head with stupid shit.”

Yet another jab, right in his chest. God, it hurts. “Don’t talk to them?” he repeats, to try and give himself time to think of an actual response.

“Well, they’re in your theater group, right?” his mom asks. When he slowly nods, she nods back, looking thoughtful. “Don’t cut them out completely or anything, you can still work with them.”

His father grumbles, something about not even wanting that much.

“It’s unavoidable, dear,” she notes with a slight pat on his dad’s arm. He nods, grumpily. “Anyway, Ryuu, just stay safe, okay? We’re just making sure that nothing bad happens to you because of some people who are… wrong about some things.”

“I understand,” he lies. “Thank you for telling me,” he lies.

“No prob.” His father smiles a bit, nodding at him. “Oh, and also - your grades are looking nice. Keep it up, yeah? If you have good grades this year, I have something planned for you this summer.”

He doesn’t care. His grades are the last thing he wants to talk about. Whatever his dad would get him this summer, he doesn’t want it. “Right! Thank you, sir.” He speaks cheerfully, a spark of excitement dancing in his eyes.

“You can fu-” A light smack on his arm gets his dad to stop saying ‘fuck off’, and he blinks before continuing. “I mean, go back to your room now if you want.”

Yes please, please, he needed to get out of here, please- “Oh, alright.” He stands up slowly, casually. “What’s for dinner, by the way?”

“I didn’t have anything planned… it  _ is _ a weekend, so if you want to go over to Keisuke’s house or something and his parents don’t mind, you can do that for dinner,” his mom says.

“Alrighty- I’ll ask, and let you know?”

“Sounds good, sweetie.”

“Don’t forget to finish up your homework for the weekend before you get too caught up in all that, ‘kay?” His dad shifts around, grabbing the TV remote already.

“Yes sir, I’ll go ahead and do that now.” 

“We won’t bother ya, then.” Perfect, an excuse to be left alone for a long while.

Ryuuichi nods, and slowly walks off to his room, gently shutting his door behind him.

...Behind closed doors, if no one hears or sees, did anything truly happen? 

The choked sob that immediately tore itself from his throat as he closed his door was quickly muffled, covered by the sound of the door closing and from him putting his sleeve over his mouth. So it didn’t happen. 

Later, there were no signs of the tears spilled endlessly, hidden by the towel that he put over his legs when he buried his face into his knees. So they didn’t happen. 

His shirt was changed into an identical black one when he emerged later, the previous one wrinkled from where he clutched at his chest while wincing in pure pain and agony. So that didn’t happen.

Nothing happened, except for a lie.

* * *

“I’m here, Miss Ayasato!!” Ryuuichi calls out, cheerfully.

“Ryuuichi! Nice to have you over, darling!” A woman’s voice replies as Ryuuichi lets himself in through the front door, slipping off his shoes at the entry. He knows by now he doesn’t need to knock, Keisuke and his mom are more than welcoming to him literally anytime. “Kei’s upstairs!” she calls back, from the kitchen, presumably. “Dinner will be ready in a few minutes, so can you go grab him?”

“Yes ma’am!” Ryuuichi chuckles, and hops upstairs quickly - making sure to duck a little bit, because god he’s so tall in everyone’s houses, even his own.

Once he reaches the door he’s seen a hundred times by now, he knocks.

It swings open, and a hand darts out to grab him by the collar and drag him in. “Uweeh-!” He stumbles, and since he’s dragged down a bit, he is now face-to-face with the energetic grin of one Keisuke Ayasato. A bit too close for comfort, Keisuke could probably see that Ryuuichi’s eyeshadow is a shade darker than usual today. But the shorter brunette doesn’t seem to care, excitement dancing in his eyes behind his glasses.

“Ryuuuuuuuuuuuu~!” Keisuke keeps a hold on his collar, laughing a little bit. “Good to see you dude! You haven’t come over in forever!”

Ryuuichi is not in the mood for the cheerful theatrics… which is exactly why he does them anyway. He playfully bats at Keisuke’s hand, grinning. “Let go dude, you’re gonna stretch it out. And I was here not that long ago!” They’re both wearing black shirts, Ryuuichi notes. Obviously Ryuuichi has the overall darker outfit, but he can’t help but think that Keisuke picked out a black shirt for himself on purpose. He’s extra enough to do that.

Keisuke lets go of his collar immediately, holding his hands up in surrender. “Apologies. And no you were not! I came over to your place for your birthday but otherwise I haven’t seen you in foreeeeever.”

That was on purpose. Ryuuichi knew that Keisuke knew him better than anyone else, and he didn’t want him to know that he had been falling apart at the seams lately. So under the guise of being really busy, he’s been avoiding him. “Sorry, man. You know how it is, though.”

“Yeah, I guess. Ooh ooh- come look!” Keisuke whirls around the taller boy and pushes him further into his room. It’s a bit like Ryuuichi’s, in that it’s a lot neater than the average teenage boy’s room, but it’s still pretty packed to the brim with some playbills and scripts and books. And, as Ryuuichi soon comes to realize, there’s one thing that’s different about his room.

The bed. There’s a rainbow comforter on top of the bed now, whereas before there was just a regular dark red one. He stares at it.

“My mom got it for me, dude! She said she was proud of me for coming out to her - you remember that, right?”

...He might not have heard Keisuke over the sound of his heart shattering into pieces.

“Ryuu bro…?”

Panic. He realizes that he slipped out of the act. Stupid, stupid- he turns to Keisuke with an excited grin. “That’s great man!”

Keisuke doesn’t buy it. “...You good?”

Panic… panic… He nods quickly, giving him a reassuring smile. “Yeah, don’t worry about me. It just caught me off guard with its brilliance!” He does excited jazz hands, giggling slightly.

Keisuke doesn’t buy it, again. “I mean, you just kinda-”

“BOYS! DINNER!”

Both of them jump a little bit at the sound of Keisuke’s mother yelling at them from downstairs. Ryuuichi gives Keisuke a sheepish smile. “Right, I was supposed to tell you that food was almost ready. Let’s go!” 

And with that, he leaves Keisuke’s room… too quickly, he curses to himself, too obvious. He can hear Keisuke following him down the stairs, he can practically feel Keisuke’s gaze boring into him from behind. He does his best to stop himself from shaking. It’s harder than usual…

“Sheesh, you boys are fast!” Keisuke’s mom comments, cheerily setting up the table for three. Keisuke’s dad is out of town, Ryuuichi notes, trying to focus on that instead of Keisuke watching him carefully. “Hope you two are hungry!”

The plate set down in front of him is curry - his favorite kind, because of course Keisuke’s mom knows his favorite kind of curry. Keisuke puts his hands together before digging in rapidly to his own plate, quickly inhaling it like a normal teenage boy would.

Ryuuichi stares at the curry for a moment… bad thoughts swirling around in his head, making it hard to think. No, he’s not hungry in the slightest, actually. He lost his appetite for the rest of the day this morning. Of course his favorite kind of curry wouldn’t make him happy. Did anything…?

Ryuuichi starts eating the curry, quickly, too. He feels sick, but he hums happily and pauses to compliment the cooking. His stomach feels like it’s twisting itself into knots, but he stuffs his face as he’s expected to.

Eventually, after a bit of silent eating, both Ryuuichi and Keisuke finish up their dishes. Keisuke’s mom chuckles. “Wow, I forget you two are growing boys. Want seconds?”

“No, thank you.” Ryuuichi smiles politely, standing up to bow a little. “I had some stuff to eat back home, so I’m not hungry.” He lies so smoothly, so perfectly. Never mind that his hands are shaking, she won’t notice.

“I’m good, Mom! Thanks!” Keisuke nods along, giving Ryuuichi a side-glance. What does that mean, what does that mean-

“Alright, alright.” Mrs. Ayasato chuckles again. “You boys don’t stomp around too much up there, I’m gonna be watching a movie for a bit. When it’s over, I’ll call you down so you can head home, okay Ryuu?” 

“Sounds good, thank you ma’am.” Ryuuichi lies, again. Why can’t he just stay here forever… 

Keisuke gestures to Ryuuichi as he walks out, headed back upstairs. Ryuuichi gives one last grateful glance to Mrs. Ayasato - genuine gratitude, he notes, since he is happy(?) to come over - and follows. Up to Keisuke’s room they go.

...And once Ryuuichi steps in, Keisuke moves to shut the door behind them.

_ Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it- _

“C’mere.” Keisuke goes and hops onto his bed, sitting on it casually and patting at a space next to him. 

Not too close, Ryuuichi notes with a bit of a nod, he can do that. Keisuke can’t see through his act, even when they’re that close, right? He goes and plops onto the bed next to him, tilting his head at Keisuke as an unspoken question as to what he’s doing.

“...Ryuu. The hell’s wrong?”

“Eh-” Feign confusion, his first response nowadays.

“Man, don’t play dumb.” Keisuke puffs out his cheeks briefly, in a pout, before going back to a serious expression and holding his arms out to his sides. “You’ve been acting weird for a while now - and no, I don’t just mean today. Like, a WHILE. But today you’ve been kinda off, even though I’ve only seen you for a lil bit. Is something bothering you?”

“...Huh.” While that noise is meant to be another one of confusion, it actually originates out of being impressed. Keisuke really is sharp when it comes to stuff like this, especially with him. Guess he can’t really hide too much around his best friend, but that doesn’t mean he won’t try. After all, what Keisuke doesn’t know won’t hurt him. He doesn’t need to be involved in Ryuuichi’s stupid mood swings, or in his family problems, or anything. He doesn’t need to be dragged into the bitter depressing truth. “Well, I don’t really know what you mean? I’m okay, I promise. I just got a bit caught off guard for a sec, with the flashy change in decor, if that’s what you mean?”

Keisuke deadpans, dropping his arms. “It was obviously more than that, man! You were also shaking a lot at dinner!”

Fuck. He noticed. “...I was?”

“Yesssss.” Keisuke sighs, and leans forward a little. “Listen, it’s not like someone’s gonna eavesdrop - you know my room is soundproof as hell, and Mom’s watching a movie, no one’s gonna hear anything. You can tell me.”

No he can’t. He can’t. He finds himself shaking his head without even realizing it, so he adds words to them to make it look better. “That’s not the problem - the problem is, there isn’t anything wrong.”

“...Okay, then tell me why you’re shaking.”

“I was hardly shaking, and that was just because of how spicy the curry was.”

“...You’ve never shaken from spicy curry. And you’re still shaking right now.”

Oh… he is, isn’t he? He stops that immediately. “No, I’m…”

“Ryuu. I’m serious. I don’t like seeing you so bad off, usually you’re all sunshine and rainbows - literally, rainbows, cuz gay and all that, but-”

Ryuuichi flinches.  _ What a fucking failure. _ A slight, involuntary movement, sending his act crumbling. Even such a small thing ruins it all. Keisuke notices, and stops talking. Ryuuichi’s vision goes blurry for a second, he can practically feel his pulse speeding up, his heart pounding in his chest.

“...Ryuu?”

He blinks, and tries to stop himself from shaking again. “What? I’m not bad off-”

“Dude, yes you are. I know you don’t like me pressing, and I promise I’m doing it for a good reason.  _ Please _ , tell me at least something.”

It hurts so much. His heart hurts so much. It feels like he still has a knife stuck in his heart, and with every push, Keisuke is twisting it. More bad feelings bleed out as a result, and he’s having a pretty hard time keeping it together now. His mouth opens, but nothing comes out.

“...Does it have something to do with all of this?” Keisuke pats at his bed. “Did something happen?”

He doesn’t trust his vocal cords anymore. He’s afraid that if he opens his mouth and tries to speak, the only thing that will tear its way out of his broken mind is a sob. He shakes his head.

“Ryuu…”

His eyes are stinging. His hands keep shaking even though he keeps telling them not to.

Suddenly, Keisuke’s eyes widen, and he looks almost stunned. 

What, what has him so shocked? 

He scoots forward a little bit, and his stunned expression turns into such raw, pure concern, and worry. “Ryuu...? You’re… crying…”

He is?

He is…?

He is. There’s that faint feeling of water at the corners of his eyes, and now that he’s focusing on it instead of everything else going wrong with his body, he finally feels that a single tear had fallen down his cheek a little bit. His makeup runs down a little with it, some of the darkness under his eyes being dragged away.

_ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no… _

“Ryuu-”

_ No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.  _ The voice in his head can’t stop screaming that one word over and over. He can’t let someone see him like this. He can’t let someone see him cry. He hasn’t let anyone see him cry in  _ years.  _ He can’t let anyone see the act break. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t. He backs away from Keisuke on the bed, trembling much more visibly now.

“Wait…” Keisuke holds up his hands a little, palms out, and he looks so stricken with worry, sadness, concern… “Ryuu, listen. It’s okay, I promise. I’m sorry, is it because I was pressing too much?”

Ryuuichi can’t tell, but he thinks he might be breaking a little bit more. Maybe Keisuke can see the fear in his eyes. But all the same, he shakes his head. No, it isn’t because Keisuke was pressing. Keisuke just found the knife.

“Then… can you tell me…?”

His mouth opens, and he hates it for doing so. “B-Because you c-can’t see me like th-this…!” His words stutter, and he hates the way his voice sounds. So strained, ugly, not like him at all. Not like the Ryuuichi Hanabi that he should be.

“...I what?” Keisuke’s innocent confusion brings him back down to Earth a bit. Keisuke still looked just as worried as before, but it was overshadowed by something else, which made it easier to take in. He hated seeing Keisuke worried, he never wanted to worry him…

“You can’t s-see me like this, this isn’t… me. This isn’t me-” Ryuuichi chokes out the reply. “I-I don’t cry, I… I’m fine, and I…”

Keisuke’s face flashes with pain.  _ You idiot. _ “Ryuu…! Listen to me, man - I wanna help you! I know you’re not fine, I can tell!” He pauses to huff slightly. “I don’t care how I see you, I just want to see you as you are. I’m your  _ best friend _ , you don’t need to lie to me.”

...He doesn’t? “I don’t?”

“Yes, Ryuuichi, you fucking idiot! I don’t know what the hell you mean by saying that I can’t see you like this, but you’re clearly not okay, and that’s the real you that I wanna help. I’m serious.” Keisuke shifts forward again, and Ryuuichi stops moving back away from him. “If something’s hurting you, you can’t just try and hide it from everyone - is that what you’re doing?”

He feels his head nod before his mind decides to not answer.

Keisuke sighs, and scoots forward one more time. “You shouldn’t do that, dude. At least, not to me. I’ve known you forever, and you know everything about me. You got super distant lately, and got me worried, and now you’re all like this?” Keisuke’s eyes shift around the room briefly, before they meet Ryuuichi’s gaze again, giving him a sincere look. “I care about you, and I know you care about me. So if you won’t do yourself a favor, do me one.” With that, he holds his arms out to the sides, and stares expectantly at Ryuuichi.

...A hug. When was the last time that Ryuuichi had gotten a hug? When he started his acting in sincerity as of late, he kept his distance from other people. He was a stage actor, he needed to keep his distance to keep up the act. And it worked! Usually the only exception was his mom, and maybe the occasional touch or two just from goofing off with his theater group, but he could keep himself together for that. He was weak, he had noted a while back, for not being able to act at any distance. He was practicing to be better at it, but right now… he wasn’t good enough. 

He hesitantly leans forward, searching Keisuke’s expression. Searching it like he searched everyone else, everyone else who was out to get him, who hated him just for existing, who didn’t trust him. Except, Keisuke wasn’t like that. There wasn’t a single negative emotion on his face. Just pure, sincere Keisuke.

With a bit of a sudden movement, he leans forward all the way and pulls Keisuke into a tight hug. Keisuke doesn’t seem to mind at all, hugging him back even tighter, giving him a firm pat on the back.

“It’s alright, man…” Keisuke mumbles. “I’m here for you?”

Ryuuichi hiccups as he opens his mouth again. God, he hates it. “I-I… I’m sorry… that you have to… see me like… this…” He apologizes.

Because, of course he should apologize. This is disgraceful, disgusting, the furthest thing from what he would ever want to be. This isn’t the real Ryuuichi Hanabi. The real Ryuuichi Hanabi would not be trembling this badly, he would not have even more tears falling down his cheeks, let alone the first tear or any at all. He would not need a hug, nor would he need to come over to a friend’s house to avoid his parents. He would not need anything, he would just be happy, perfect Ryuuichi.

“Don’t apologize. I want to.”

Ryuuichi stiffens up, and can’t help as his entire expression involuntarily shifts to pure confusion.

Keisuke pats him on the back again, a bit softer this time, and repeatedly. “I don’t have to see you all happy all the time if that’s not what you’re feeling. I wanna see how you’re actually doing, because I wanna help if I can, you know? So yeah, if you wanna cry, I want to see that part of you.” There’s a jab at his back as Keisuke pokes him. “Every part of you is what I care about. Don’t try and forget that shit.”

He cared about every part of him. Even the part of him that wants to cry.

Ryuuichi would never understand Keisuke Ayasato. He never understood why he cared about him, the stupid husk of a person that he was. But he was right, Keisuke was his best friend. His only real friend, if he was being real with himself. He didn’t have anyone else around, and with the revelation that his parents would hate him if they knew about his full self, not even his own family were people that he could trust. But Keisuke, he could trust him. He could trust Keisuke…

...And so, for once, Ryuuichi didn’t lie.

The sob that threatened to emerge from his throat earlier finally did so, loud and sudden, startling Ryuuichi himself. He doesn’t have time to recover, as another sob makes him choke, and he gasps while more tears flow down his face. The black mascara under his eyes is completely ruined by now, leaving black streaks down his cheeks. He doesn’t know what to do with himself, tangled up with Keisuke - he’s so used to the same position in his room to cry in, and this is so terrifying, so different, so wrong. He can’t stop himself to think on it. So instead of putting his face into his knees, he buries his face into the next closest thing at this moment - Keisuke’s shoulder. Another sob, another gasp for air. 

Keisuke seems almost frozen for a second, before he realizes what’s happening, and just keeps Ryuuichi held close, switching from patting to rubbing soothing circles into Ryuuichi’s back. “It’s okay…” he murmurs, even if it isn’t okay. It made him think that maybe, just maybe, it is okay.

He clings to his friend, almost desperately. He can feel Keisuke’s shoulder gradually getting more and more wet from his own tears, and he wishes they would stop, but they don’t. The warmth of crying into Keisuke is something that he had never felt before while crying. Usually he felt so cold, so alone. But now, he’s warm, held comfortably in the other boy’s arms. Unfamiliar, and terrifying. But welcoming. More sobs are coming, and he lets them, for once. He doesn’t have to be quiet, for once, and it feels so liberating. For once, he feels… better.

He failed. He failed at acting. But maybe just this one time, it’s okay that he did.

After what feels like it could have been only a few seconds, or what could have been an hour, Ryuuichi finally stops crying. He keeps his forehead leaned against Keisuke’s shoulder, taking deep shuddering breaths that gradually calm themselves as he comes back down to reality.

Keisuke doesn’t let go, doesn’t stop comforting him. He’s grateful for it, he wished he could show that right now. “You okay…?” Keisuke asked, tentatively.

Ryuuichi pauses, to consider the answer. It’s almost funny, he notes to himself, as he decides to tell the truth. “...N-No.”

“Can you tell me what happened now, at least? It’s okay if you can’t yet…”

“My… My parents…” He starts, without any hesitation, surprising even himself. “They heard about Yumi and Akane.”

Keisuke hesitates, and then Ryuuichi can feel him nod. “They’re dating, right? I saw something in the theater group chat a bit ago about their parents being okay with it.”

“Mhm… but…” There’s that pain in his heart again, tears threatening to fall once more even though he had just stopped crying. His breath hitches before he can speak again. “Dad and M-Mom told me… that it was g-gross… and to stay a-away from th-them… from now… on…” 

He can feel the tension rise in Keisuke’s body, the sharp inhale of his breath. “Your parents said that?” Stunned shock, pain, and sadness. Those are the emotions that Ryuuichi hears twist at Keisuke’s voice. But given the brief and slight tightening of his hug, and that he’s much more tense now, Ryuuichi can tell… there’s a twinge of anger too.

“They told me it w-was wrong…” He laughs, more pain and sadness coming out rather than amusement. “I was an idiot… thinking that I could finally talk to them about myself when they brought it up…”

“Oh… Oh, Ryuu…” Keisuke shakes his head, and tightens the hug once more. “I’m so sorry…”

“It’s fine…” he mumbles instinctively.

“No, no it isn’t.” Keisuke’s firm tone catches him off guard. “That isn’t fine, and neither are you. I don’t want you to pretend like it is, or that you’re okay.”

“...But…”

There’s another jab at his back, this time getting him to flinch a little in surprise. “I don’t want you to pretend that you’re okay, because then you can acknowledge that you aren’t okay now, but that you will  _ be  _ okay eventually.”

He doesn’t get it. “I don’t…”

A sigh, and a soft pat this time. “Right, right. There’s a lot to get through, we’ll just take it one step at a time.”

Ryuuichi sniffles a little in reply, and then after a pause, he decides on an actual word response. “Sorry…”

“...Man, I’m gonna hit you over the head with a Bakora staff.”

Keisuke really can’t go a day without making a movie reference of some kind, can he? He giggles weakly. A genuine laugh? “This isn’t too different from that, huh…?”

“You mean that I’m older, wiser, and going to whack you if you keep being stupid?”

“...I mean, that I’m trying to figure out who I am, and need someone else to get some sense into me.”

Keisuke hums thoughtfully, and nods. “I can see that…”

“And you’re a baboon.”

“Wha- Hey!!” Keisuke’s dramatic and offended gasp is immediately followed by Ryuuichi giggling again, relaxing a little bit.

It’s real, genuine. He relaxes, and lifts his head up a little bit from Keisuke’s shoulder. The chuckles that still shake his shoulders are accompanied by a feeling of relief, a warm comforting feeling. Before, he just felt cold, fake, alone… but he now stopped acting, even if just for this brief moment in time.

Keisuke notices him lifting his head, and gives him one last firm pat before pulling back from the hug. He moves his arms back, and his hands move from behind him to rest on Ryuuichi’s shoulders instead, so he can look him in the eyes. Keisuke’s eyes are a little red themselves, Ryuuichi notices. Keisuke gives him a weak, reassuring smile at first, but then he blinks a couple times in surprise. “Woah.”

Ryuuichi blinks back, briefly reassured by the smile but now confused. “What?”

“Your uh, makeup.”

He blinks again, and brings up a hand to his face. Oh. All of his makeup was very, very ruined. Normally he wouldn’t be very happy about that, and scramble to fix it, but… well, quite frankly he wasn’t happy about a whole bunch of other more important things, and Keisuke had seen him with his makeup off before, so he didn’t care. “Oh… do you have like a towel or something…?”

Keisuke nods, taking his hands off of Ryuuichi’s shoulders as he goes to slide off the bed. “One sec.” He walks over to the bathroom, heading in and partially having the door shut behind him.

A moment of reprieve. Ryuuichi breathes out slowly. He’s not really acting at the moment, but he knows he could slip back into it now, if he wanted. He can’t tell if he feels better or worse by now - Keisuke saw the act break, and he doesn’t know if that’s something that he should be scolding himself over or be grateful for. Thinking about it too hard probably isn’t the best idea either way, so he just… doesn’t. He stares at Keisuke’s bed.

And then a towel smacks into his head with an accompanying “fwap” noise.

“Ow-” He grabs the towel, and shoots a playful glare in the direction of the bathroom door, where Keisuke was now standing with a mischievous grin.

“Gimme a minute, I need to like, change shirts.” Keisuke points to his shoulder, which doesn’t look too bad all things considered, but it is wet with tears and also just barely noticeably smudged with makeup.

Ryuuichi nods, and while Keisuke ducks back into the bathroom, he carefully goes to wipe off his face, making sure that there’s no trace of makeup or tear trails left behind. He supposes that he could just leave Keisuke’s place without putting any makeup back on - he doesn’t have it with him, either way. 

And when Keisuke returns - he’s just wearing another black shirt - Ryuuichi grins at him. A fake grin. “Feeling better?” Keisuke asks, flopping back onto the bed.

“Yeah, I am. Quite a bit,” he lies. 

This time, Keisuke doesn’t see through it. “Good to hear, Ryuu. Anything else I can do to help for right now, or do you wanna just… relax, and save more talking for some other time?”

God, Keisuke is the best. Ryuu would much rather talk more about things later, when he hasn’t just come off of crying and breaking his act like this. It scared him, and it’s still scary even now. He nods slowly. “I’d rather save it for another time… I’m kinda worn out, even if I am feeling okay.” That isn’t a lie, at least. He is feeling okay now. Just… okay, but that was better than the swirling descent into sadness that he felt before.

“That’s cool with me!” Keisuke grins, and nods. “Then we gotta have you come over for something soon. So we can talk, but also like, you don’t have to focus on all the bad stuff at the same time cuz we can do something!”

“Like what-?”

“Uhhh… we could act out Macbeth toge-”

“Kei, we’ve done that like 10 times.”

“And 11 is a lucky number!”

“We should do something else, is what I’m trying to say.”

“........Hamlet…?”

Ryuuichi flicks Keisuke on the side of the head.

“Ow-” Keisuke whines dramatically. “Okay okay, I can’t help it, I’m sorry. I’m in a PHASE.”

“Well, we could think up something new that’s like that…?” Ryuuichi tilts his head as he speaks, looking at Keisuke curiously. As if he didn’t already know what Keisuke’s response would be.

A dramatic gasp, and a squeal of excitement. “Something  _ new?! _ Yes yes yes more opportunity for me to write!! Okay okay that’s one thing we can do, and we need to have a lot of focus and time and paper and resources and-”

“Kei.” Ryuuichi flicks him again, this time on the arm, to get him to shut up. “You’re the writer, I’m the actor - you can do most of the thinking on your own time, and I can help with other stuff, but that’s not exactly something that we can talk during.”

“...” Keisuke pouts, puffing out his cheeks.

“How about something that doesn’t require much talking, or you can talk over it? Like more tangible activity.”

Keisuke pushes up his glasses, squinting as he thinks. After a moment, his squint shifts to Ryuuichi himself, and he stares at his face. What is he doing. His gaze moves down to Ryuuichi’s chest…?

“Uhhh…”

Keisuke’s hand darts out and grabs Ryuuichi’s arm, pulling it - and his sleeve - into full view. “You need a makeover, emo lord.”

“Wha...” He makes an offended expression. “I happen to like my emo ways, thank you very much!” Which was true, he did very much like his emo look. It made him feel better about his acting, when he could put on one look but easily convince everyone that he actually felt and acted a completely different way. Even if the darkness on the outside matched what he really had on the inside, he was still the best actor out there.

“More like your Gerard Ways, edge-worth.”

“What-”

“Listen, you gotta add more color! I know for a fact that your favorite color sure as hell isn’t black.” 

He does have a point… his converse are the only part of his outfit that actually match his favorite color. He wouldn’t be opposed. “...Well yeah, but I still wanna keep this hoodie and stuff. It’s comfy.” Ryuuichi has had this big hoodie of his for a while now - it’s always been big on him, but now it fits nicely while still being big and spacey. And comfortable! He doesn’t want people to keep ogling at him because of his acting, so a super baggy hoodie has always done the trick.

“You wanna keep the hoodie… but you also wanna add some color…” Keisuke muses. As Ryuuichi watches, Keisuke’s face slowly twists from one of deep thought into a smile, and a smirk, and then a full on mischievous grin. That is so ominous. “I think I have an idea… but we gotta save it for next time.”

“...Kei that is so ominous.”

“Yep! Next act, baby!” Keisuke laughs, and lets go of Ryuuichi’s arm now. “Until then, you just gotta be a normal audience member.”

“But that’s boriiiing…” He whines, not really actually caring. Keisuke’s idea is probably a good one, and if it involves keeping his hoodie while also putting a bit of purple in there, then… honestly, he thinks that might make him actually happy for once. Maybe.

“Suspense is not boring! Graaah!” Keisuke lunges forward, going to ruffle Ryuuichi’s hair messily.

“AAH-! Alert the vanguard, we are under attack!” Ryuuichi proclaims dramatically, going to do the same to Keisuke’s - albeit shorter - hair.

As the two of them roughhouse around with each other, laughing and quoting fights from their favorite plays, Ryuuichi comes to a realization. The boisterous laughing that escapes him… It isn’t real again. The grin that has spread across his face is plastic, false. His energy behind his attacks on Keisuke is fake.

His worries fall away into the back of his mind, already gathering up once more and creating a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He can already feel the ache returning to his heart, almost as if the wound was reopening from where it was briefly patched mere moments ago. Darkness swirls around his vision. But none of it is visible, the act back to being impenetrable. He’s happy on the outside, giving Keisuke no more worries. 

But that’s okay, right? Nothing wrong with falling back into the act. It’s what he’s meant to do, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> mwah ily all thank you for reading please like comment subscribe and lily don't kill me


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